How to Enhance Connection, Happiness, and Ease: The Neuroscience of Self-Regulation

For thousands of years, we humans have longed for improved relationships, lasting happiness, and freedom from struggle, fear, and pain. Our collective craving has created no shortage of attempts to quench that thirst, including religion, philosophy, psychology, education, alcohol, personal growth workshops, and even dating apps. And yet, you may find that despite all of your best efforts you don’t feel better or that much different. Your happiness doesn’t seem to last, you may continue to struggle with connection and intimacy in relationships, and you may not be enjoying much ease in your life.

Recently, a new client put it this way: “I’ve done cognitive therapy, traditional talk therapy, group therapy, even drama therapy . . . I was a philosophy major in college, and over the years have participated in so many self-growth workshops and trainings I’ve lost count. I feel I have good insight and understanding about my problems , but when it comes to living life the way I want to—to be the way I want to be—I constantly find I go right back to how I’ve always reacted and what I’ve always done. It’s so frustrating and disappointing. This really needs to change and nothing I’ve done so far has helped.” 

For over 100 years, psychologists and psychiatrists have utilized talk therapy to try to help people use insight and understanding to manage their behavior and to improve their health, happiness, and relationships. If you were not changing or managing your behavior better, then you simply needed more (or different) therapy! However, mounting neuroscience research has demonstrated that few psychological problems are the result of a lack of insight or clear understanding.  Ironically, it turns out most of your suffering and struggles are, in part or in whole, caused by the state of your nervous system. 

Ironically, the very systems and tendencies that evolved specifically to help our species survive are now part of what causes you to feel overwhelmed, anxious, worried, irritable, reactive or shut down.

Chances are that your survival responses are getting triggered not by actual lifethreatening events such as running from a tiger or engaging in handtohand combat. Instead, your survival responses are likely being triggered by everyday situations such as running late for a meeting, having an argument, feeling ashamed or anxious or overwhelmed, or simply being stuck in traffic.